For me it was really hard to understand which is maybe what you were going for...? I understood it all up until the sixth line of the first vs. where it said "...Oh the lips they fall..." ---The chorus I really like. I understood it and it was well-written. It was very creative. Once I got to vs. 2 I didn't understand it real well, just like vs. 1.
I think that It is written well, it's just that cirtain parts in the song lost me and then all of a sudden it would pick up again. keep working on those last few lines in vs. 1 and maybe word it different in vs. 2. Overall I thought you did a good job.