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This is and older song that I put together. I'm very much happy with it. It hasn't changed in the entire time I've had it written, which has been about 2-3 months. Just thought I'd try and get this board gettin' back up again.

Maybe it?s impossible to see
This guiding light inside of me
Oh darkness, come in sweetness love
Oh forget me not for everything I?ve done
Please
Oh the lips they fall
Apart from the child?s smiling face
And the eyes do crawl
From end on end on end they crawl

And it?s funny how comfortably we lay
Go ahead and fly
Go ahead and fall and dream and lie
But when your head do hang
Won?t you let me pick up the pieces?

Please forgive this tired hand of mine
That plays along the throat and the knife
But suicide turns to easily my friend
And everything falls like leaves and tears
Why not take this word and this key
Unlock the doors for they tell more
Than I can reveal

And it?s funny how comfortably we lay
Go ahead and fly
Go ahead and fall and dream and lie
But when your head do hang
Won?t you let me pick up the pieces?

For me it was really hard to understand which is maybe what you were going for...? I understood it all up until the sixth line of the first vs. where it said "...Oh the lips they fall..." ---The chorus I really like. I understood it and it was well-written. It was very creative. Once I got to vs. 2 I didn't understand it real well, just like vs. 1.

I think that It is written well, it's just that cirtain parts in the song lost me and then all of a sudden it would pick up again. keep working on those last few lines in vs. 1 and maybe word it different in vs. 2. Overall I thought you did a good job.

would you happen to have chords to this song? and could you put them with the lyrics

it helps me understand the song as a whole when you add the chords

but the writing was pretty solid; one suggestion to improve the grammar is say does instead of do in this section:
'And it?s funny how comfortably we lay
go ahead and fly
Go ahead and fall and dream and lie
But when your head do hang
Won?t you let me pick up the pieces?'

Thanks for the replies guys. I really appriciate how you took the time to read over this and give me your opinions on the writing.

GuitarIs4Life:
Well, the song was suppose to be writtin on an overly metaphorical level. I understand that alot of the stuff is very difficult to understand. I like to try and get some very soulful feels to my lyrics. The wording, yes, is a bit odd here and there. Its an old song, and I really havn't looked at it in a while. Thanks for the idea.

guitarstrummin63:
I normally would add the chords, but in most of my songs, I either use chords I don't know the names of, and aren't exactly 'chords' persay. Or I end up writing a little guitar riff that isn't a chord at all. This song, luckily, is one of those ones with just odd chords. If you're interested in the song that much though, I intend on posting up a recording of it on a website next week when I get my equipment back.

P.S.
Although I'm sort of advertising my own topic, check out the thread I made concerning posting up songs. I'd really love to have you guys post up your own work so we can all listen and reveiw each others works. It'll help everyone get better.

ok i see where you're coming from now mako, i'd like to hear the song when you record and put it on soundclick


i haven't done any serious songwriting in the past 6 months or so, but i'm going to start up and i'll definetly post my new stuff when i write it