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My first song to post here, wrote this two years ago, three days ago. I think this might be my first song I've ever written. So its not my best. A little background, its about my first breakup.

By the Wall

She left sitting by the wall
Not caring at all,
That she broke me away
And left us apart

She said I was the only guy
That she wanted in her life
But she walked away
And left me by the wall

And she left me
Hanging by the wall
Waiting for me to fall...
Away.

With only my shadow by my side
I walked over to her not asking a lie
But she stepped away
And did not stay

And she left me
Hanging by the wall
Waiting for me to fall...
Away.

So I just sat there sitting by the wall
Not wanting to think about this at all
That she lead me
Astray

And she left me
Hanging by the wall
Waiting for me to fall...
Away.

And she left me
Hanging by the wall
Waiting for me to fall...
Away.

I like this one for the most part. This is one of those songs that its alright to stress the same concept throughout. By that I mean the "By the wall" bit. It works really well.

I thought most of the rhymes came off pretty well, one or two seemed more forced than the others, but it all still worked. When reading this, I got a very soft feel for the song. I'm not sure if that's what you intended, but that's the sort of feel I got out of this one.

Bingo, a light, soft feel was meant for the song. And thanks for the input. Yes, there was forced rhyming, and I for one thought I overused the main line, "By the Wall". Nevertheless, thanks for the comment and critique.

Personally... I think that regardless of the forcing of rhymes... As long as the words are sung right... and have emotion in them... It really doenst matter. Most of the songs we all love have really really lame lyrics (Okay im overexaggerating with the "most of the songs" bit) but were sung in such a fashion that we love them.

I respect the fact that youre creative enough to write. I like it.

But that doesnt go to say that Mako was being critical in a negative way at all.. I just want to clarify haha. I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings.

This is true. Overall, if the writer is content with the song, then thats all what really matters. But I for one, enjoy receiving critque from others and try to improve my lyrics and such.

But I see your point and it stands correct as well.

I've always said, "If you can't take constructive criticism... music isnt for you." haha.

This song seems as if it was written over a very small amount of time. It doesn't really seem well thought through. The rhyming isn't too bad, but don't be a slave of it. For this song I would suggest a revision and you should make the 4 line stanzas into 2 line stanzas by connecting the first 2 lines. You would benifit greatly from this, I think.

JC

This is true, but I've pretty much abandoned this song a while ago. Didn't like it that much so Ive moved on. But maybe I will re-write it differently.

And yes, the song was written fairly quickly, got emo-emotional and wrote.